The Delilah Files
by Mystical Authoress
Summary: Cardmaster Alexis Hargreaves decides to force the Major Arcana (plus Cassian) to start a web show. Why? No one knows. Chaos and randomness ensue as the most deadliest members of Delilah have trouble operating the camera, getting into all sorts of mischeif and MORE! (I know, summary sucks, but this fic is a lot better than it looks from the summary...)
1. Episode 1

**Author note: I do not own Count Cain: Godchild. Nor do I own any of the characters.**

**I don't really know why I decided to start this now, considering I'm supposed to be working on 'My Eyes to See,' and 'Scattered Rose Petals,' but I doubt this will be updated often-unless, of course, if I get writers block on all the other fanfics I'm working on and need to write some humour instead of what I usually write. (For example, right now...I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out what to do for chp. 4 of 'Scattered Rose Petals' and chp. 15 for 'My Eyes to See.' Sorry for those who have been waiting for the next chapters of these fics, but I think it might take a while...)**

**Warning: Possible spoilers for the whole manga series, possible swearing, possible violence, possible pairings (may include shounen-ai/yaoi and shoujo-ai/yuri), possible OOCness at times, and a lot of randomness. You have been warned...**

**Reviews would be great, and I hope you guys read, review and enjoy! Thanks! :)**

* * *

**The Delilah Files: Episode One**

"Is this thing working?" Owl asked, poking the camera few times. Cassandra Gladstone sighed, before smacking White Owl's hand out of the way of the camera. "Ow!"

"Of course it's working, you idiot!" Cassandra snapped back, pointing at the screen. "Do you see the red blinking thing!? If it's working, the camera is on and recording everything we're saying and doing!"

Owl rolled his eyes at Cassandra, who simply just glared back at him. "Anyway," He continued, looking at the screen. "Hello, everyone watching, and welcome to the Delilah Files! This is White Owl, the Fool of the Major Arcana and prophet of Delilah, coming to you live from Delilah headquarters!" He waved at the screen, before turning to the others and pointed to each person as he introduced them. "Here we have Cassandra Gladstone, the Hierophant of the Major Arcana; Jizabel Disraeli, the Death card of the Major Arcana; Ida of Lunacy a.k.a Moon, the Moon card of the Major Arcana; Celeste Helena Octavia a.k.a Justice, the Justice card of the Major Arcana and finally, last but not least...Cassian, Trump Card of Delilah!" He finished, pointing at Cassian.

"Why is the bloody Trump Card here again?" Cassandra asked, shaking his head a bit. "I thought this show was being hosted by the Major Arcana only, besides the Cardmaster!"

"Cassandra, Cassian is the only one who knows how to operate the camera properly so far." Jizabel answered before White Owl could speak up. The young doctor crossed his legs quietly as he continued. "If it wasn't for him, we would still have no idea how in the world we would use this thing."

"The show is called _'The Delilah Files,' _out of every possibly tacky name in the world? _Really?"_ Justice asked with an annoyed expression on her face. Her blindfold was off (which was good so the viewers watching this could see her face), and her dark amber eyes were obviously aimed towards Owl, shaped as an icy glare. "Couldn't you think up a better name for the show?"

"Hey, it does take place here in Delilah headquarters. You've got to give credit for that." Owl beamed, but Justice just let out a sigh and shook her head at this.

"Why are we even doing this again?" Moon asked, tilting her head to the side a bit.

Cassandra let out a groan. "Blame the Cardmaster for the idea. I don't know why he wanted to do this in the first place, but obviously he either reached a higher level of insanity or he was completely bored and didn't know what to do."

"I think it's probably a combination of both those reasons, to be honest." Cassian responded, shrugging a bit. "Anyway, so what's next?"

* * *

_Word of the day!_

"We're actually doing something like this?" Justice asked, but then Jizabel spoke up.

"Okay, if any of you viewers have no idea how this works, basically we look up a word and learn what it means." The mad doctor started, before picking up a dictionary and flipping the pages all the way to the Y section of the dictionary. "Hm...Let's see...The word 'yobbish.' It means vulgar or unrefined..."

"Like the Trump Card, for example?" Cassandra spoke up, glancing at Cassian, who glared at him when he heard the remark.

"I am not yobbish, _you're_ yobbish you idiot!" The 'boy' snapped.

"How dare you call me that, you-you-you_ yobbish commoner!"_ Cassandra snapped back. Before the two could start pummeling each other, though, Jizabel interrupted.

"Actually, I was going to say _both_ of you are examples of that word at various times." Jizabel spoke up, smirking a bit after that statement was done. Both Cassian and Cassandra gaped at the young doctor as everyone else chuckled at this statement, before shouting.

_"JIZABEL/DOCTOR!"_

* * *

_Weird thing of the day..._

"Weird thing of the day? You've got to be kidding me..." Moon trailed off, letting out a sigh.

"Yup!" Owl responded, grinning. "One of us finds something remarkably weird, and then we show it to everyone! Doesn't that sound great?"

"Does it involve possibly breaking into people's rooms in the dead of night and stealing their things the day before the next episode?" Cassian asked, glancing at Cassandra. Owl nodded, still grinning. "Sweet! I call doing it next time!"

Everyone else exchanged glances, which seemed to ask... _Did the White Owl get sugar high right before we started this?_

"Anyway, so it was my turn to find something weird. So...I found it. It's called Breadfish."

Everyone exchanged glances of confusion, before Jizabel spoke up.

"I'm sorry, Owl...I'm not sure if I heard that correctly but did you just say _Breadfish?"_ He asked, confused.

"Yup!" The white-haired violinist responded, as his grin got as wide as the Cheshire Cat. Jizabel couldn't help but feel a bit (possibly) frightened by the facial expression. "It's a cartoon thing made by this guy called Weebl', I think...Anyway, I might as well show it to you guys." He clicked a button on a remote control, and a TV screen popped out of nowhere. The screen flickered on, revealing rows after rows of fish embedded in bread swimming across the scren. There was some music playing, too, and everyone just stared at the screen for a moment, bewildered by the sight.

Eventually, though, Cassandra and Owl both burst into laughter, followed by Jizabel and Cassian. Moon and Justice exchanged weirded-out glances, as if they were unsure what was creepier; the Breadfish or the four men laughing their heads off at the odd sight.

Before anyone could remark on how silly the whole thing was, though, that was when Alexis Hargreaves burst into the room. Everyone turned to see him, with terrified expressions on their faces.

"Do you realize that this show is recording all over the Delilah headquarters and distracting all the Trump Cards and Minor Arcana from their work!?" The Cardmaster snapped. "And the Breadfish is getting annoying!"

"C'mon, Cardmaster!" Owl protested, chuckling nervously. "First off we're still trying to figure out all the tech stuff, and besides, you're the one who came up with the idea of the show! It's your fault technically for causing all of this to happen!"

"For once, the Owl makes sense." Moon muttered underneath her breath. Everyone else except Alexis, who was fuming and taking out a pitchfork (to most likely stab Owl with), nodded in agreement.

"Um..." Cassian trailed off, glancing at the camera before looking at the pissed-off Alexis Hargreaves, "We'll be right back..."

* * *

_**Ten minutes later...**_

* * *

_A time to rant..._

"I don't think we have to explain this section, do we?" Jizabel spoke up, crossing his arms.

"No. We don't. Not really." Justice answered, before she looked at the camera. "If you people watching the show still are wondering where Owl is, he had to leave ten minutes ago because the Cardmaster is chasing him all over the building right now because of the Breadfish thing. It's not pretty..."

"If you're wondering what we will be ranting about, it's about the various pairings that have been occurring in the fanfiction that involves us." Moon muttered, taking out a laptop and opening it. "I mean, seriously!? Me and Cain? What the heck...And then there's me and Justice! Why would I want to be paired with her!? I don't like her in that way!"

"Moon, that's nothing compared to me. I'm paired with Owl in one fic, and..._Leroy_..." Cassandra muttered the last word underneath his breath. "And as much as I do appreciate the fact that at least one of the fanfiction authors bothered to pair me with Cain and especially Jizabel, why the Trump Card!? I _hate_ him to death! _Why_ should I be paired with _him!?"_

"Cassandra? In one of these fics, the same author has implied one of their OCs to kind-of be somewhat affectionate towards you." Jizabel spoke up, pointing at the laptop screen. "And they have crossover oneshots with you being paired with this one guy from another fandom."

Cassandra just face-palmed himself as he heard the statement. "Oh, bloody...That's just _great..."_ He trailed off sarcastically. He paused, looking at the laptop and seeing- "Hm. Actually, those crossover oneshots with me being paired with that one guy-Wait, what does he look like...?" He typed in a couple things and clicked the 'Enter' key on the keyboard before seeing. "Hm. Actually, I don't mind that one I'm paired with. He does look quite gorgeous, if I do say so myself..."

Everyone else just looked at what Cassandra was seeing and then exchanged weirded-out glances with each other. No one wanted to know how the poor guy from said other fandom might feel as soon as he saw it...

"There's an awful lot of CainxRiff here...And I mean by a lot." Cassian spoke up as he looked at the laptop. "They've even paired Cain with Maryweather and...Oh goodness. Doctor?"

"Yes, Cassian?" Jizabel asked, bracing for the worst.

"...They've paired you with _Cain_ in a couple fics..."

Jizabel immediately took out a scalpel. "How _dare_ they!" He shouted, shaking slightly as he continued. "Just because I _love_ him to the point that I will _kill_ him doesn't mean that I love him to the point that I'll _kiss _him!"

"Cassian...Um...They've paired you with Jizabel a couple times. Did you notice that?" Justice spoke up, pointing at the laptop.

"I'm sorry, what?" Cassian spoke up, before grabbing the laptop and staring at the screen. "Oh...Bloody...WHY!?"

Jizabel stared at the laptop screen in disbelief. "I don't believe it..." He trailed off quietly, exhaling a little bit before speaking again. "I just don't believe it..."

"Even worse-" Moon started, pointing at the screen. "Jizabel, they've paired you with that stupid manservant of Cain's in one or two fics!"

"WHAT!?" Jizabel screamed, staring at the screen in complete horror. "What the-Wha-Oh bloody-"

Cassandra gaped a bit at the new information. "I don't believe it..." Cassandra trailed off, completely shocked. "Why? _WHY?"_

Everyone exchanged weirded-out/freaked-out facial expressions, before cringing simultaneously.

"I think the reason the fanfiction authors do all these pairings is because they are all insane." Justice spoke up. Everyone else just nodded in agreement.

* * *

_Lists..._

"I think the viewers are going to need to figure out why this section is named 'Lists,' Moon." Jizabel spoke up.

Moon let out a sigh, crossing her arms and leaning back on the sofa she was sitting on before speaking. "Basically, one of us or all of us makes a list of things about a certain subject and give reasons why for those things about said subject. And considering that Owl isn't around now, why don't we do something about why we hate him?" Everyone else paused, before nodding in agreement.

"I claim the first reason." Cassian spoke up, an annoyed expression overtaking his face. "It's Owl's violin playing. I mean, we all know that he's a bloody freaking-good violinist, but that doesn't mean he can keep us up late at night until about three in the morning playing it for so long! It's bad for all of us, and it's no wonder the Cardmaster keeps complaining about why everyone is so tired in the morning..."

"I agree with that." Cassandra responded, before continuing. "He also just suddenly shows up out of nowhere, and the sudden appearance of him makes you want to scream but you generally cannot; which is highly annoying because you would _want _to scream and start strangling him..."

"That actually happens to you?" Moon asked, bewildered by the statement. "I thought Owl did that to me to freak me out..."

"Have you ever actually screamed in fear of when Owl suddenly appears?" Jizabel asked, crossing his arms.

Cassandra let out a deep sigh. _"Once."_ He muttered under his breath. "He can be creepy whenever he wants to, I swear..."

"That's _nothing_ compared to _Mikalia."_ Justice spoke up, shaking her head at the thought of the spider-controlling Delilah doll. "Do you have any idea how many spiders she has? It's like the more I kill with a fly-swatter, the more they multiply!"

"Do they get into your room a lot?"

"Yes. I officially hate Mikalia. Even more than Owl." Justice finished, crossing her arms and letting out a huff.

"Thank goodness she's not on the show..." Jizabel trailed off quietly. "I don't know how any of us could handle her, especially with her spiders about." Everyone else then mentally concluded that despite how bad Owl could be, no one could beat Mikalia at being so pesky, _even_ if they could make a full list of things about what was so annoying about the White Owl to themselves.

* * *

_Conclusion_

"So, um, who's going to be hosting these episodes most often, anyway?" Owl asked. Everyone turned to see him, obviously not expecting him to be back so soon.

"I thought you were being chased to death by the Cardmaster..." Cassandra trailed off awkwardly. "And regarding your question, Owl, I can't be here all the time-I do have an identity besides being the High Priest, you know."

"Same with me." Justice responded, nodding in agreement with Cassandra. "I don't think you should expect either of us to be here often."

"Who thinks Owl will be more likely to host the episodes most of the time because he doesn't have to do anything, considering he's the Fool of the Major Arcana?" Moon spoke up. Everyone raised their hand. "Okay, that settles it. Owl's the permanent host of the show unless he gets sick or gets killed."

"Why would I get killed?" Owl asked, confused at the statement a little bit.

"Well, if any of us were having our _sleep_ disturbed in the middle of the night by your endless violin playing, I think it would be more than enough evidence to have the Cardmaster let us _strangle_ you at the least." Cassian responded. Everyone else nodded in agreement, except for Owl who paled slightly at the statement and coughed a bit.

"So...See you all in the next episode!" Owl beamed at the camera, before turning to the others. "How do you make it stop recording?"

Cassian sighed. "Let me handle it." He took out a small remote and clicked a button. The screen went black afterwards.

* * *

**Author note: I don't own Breadfish. Nor did I invent the word 'yobbish' (It's a REAL WORD. Look it up in a dictionary if you don't believe me!). Nor do I own any fics mentioned except for my own.**


	2. Episode 2

**Episode 2**

Cassandra cursed from offscreen. "Is the stupid bloody camera working, or-Oh, wait. It's working. Finally..." He muttered under his breath. "Stupid blinking light..." He then leaned back on the couch, letting out a breath before starting to speak. "If any of you are wondering why _I _am here, despite my busy schedule, it is because the White Owl is sick. If you're wondering how sick, it's to the point that he's vomiting every half an hour, I swear..." He cringed a bit at the end of the statement, before continuing. "So, I'm stuck here because of the Cardmaster's orders. I wonder how this will turn out..."

* * *

_Word of the Day!_

"So, the word of the day is...Something I couldn't pronounce for the first one hundred times in a row, I swear." Cassandra started, shaking his head. "I don't understand...Why do people have to make up such complicated words? I don't get it. Anyway, the word is kakkorrhaphiophobia, which means-"

"I'm sorry if I get the bloody pronounciation wrong, but did I just hear kakkorrhaphio-whatever the heck it was?" Cassandra turned to see Cassian enter the room and sit down a few spaces away from Cassandra.

"It's kakkorrhaphiophobia, Trump Card. It means a fear of failure." Cassandra snapped back. "What are you doing here? Don't you have work to do from the Death Card?"

"The doctor was supposed to be here, and he sent me here instead as his replacement. End of story." The black-haired knife-thrower responded, leaning back in his chair. "You better get used to it starting now. I won't hesitate to throw a knife at you for what you did a few days ago."

Cassandra face-palmed himself. "You had it coming, Trump Card..." He trailed off through gritted teeth.

* * *

_Weird thing of the day_

"I'm sure you guys remember from last episode about me mentioning the fact about breaking into people's rooms and stealing their things in the middle of the night? Well, I did that. But not to Cassandra, because..." Cassian directed a glare towards the Hierophant before continuing, "He _apparently_ is smart enough to install laser security right at the doors, windows and even the air vents connected to his room."

"It wasn't easy installing them in the first place and checking if they even worked!" Cassandra snapped in response, glaring back at Cassian. Do you know how many times those lasers activated whenever I had to walk out of the room in the middle of the night because I had to go to the washroom or something!? It was highly annoying, but at least it was worth it, considering that you haven't gotten away with stealing anything yet!"

Cassian rolled his eyes, before continuing. "Anyway, since I couldn't steal anything from Cassandra, I took a few things from Justice's room."

Cassandra's eyes widened in shock, and he gaped slightly at the Trump Card. "You know, Justice is going to kill you for that." He remarked.

"What? Is she that ill-tempered or something?" The Trump Card responded, before taking out a small skull and a whip. "I found these in her closet..."

Cassandra stared at the skull. "I swear that skull must belong to some poor unfortunate soul who peeped in on her while she was changing clothing or something. And yes, she is that ill-tempered. A few weeks ago, I tried to borrow a few torture devices, and-"

"Wait, wait...Torture devices?" Cassian asked skeptically. "And why are you assuming the skull belongs to some 'poor unfortunate soul,' or should I say _pervert_, who peeped in on her while she was getting changed?"

"Um...Yes, for the torture devices and for the assumption about the skull. I had a few, ahem, _commoners_ to punish for their incompetence, and what better way to do that than torture them? I only took a choke pear and thumbscrew, and those are really small torture devices compared to a lot of other ones. And I even left a note, saying that I would return them in approximately 48 hours, which I did. But then the next morning, she barges into my room with a crowbar in hand and beats the heck out of me." Cassandra explained. "It's logical that I can assume that anyone who sees her in the nude like that would get slaughtered if I get beaten up for borrowing her things."

"No wonder you were walking around with that limp for a while..." The knife-thrower trailed off. He glanced down at the items he held. "Maybe I should probably return these soon..."

"Yes, you really should very soon, or else-"

The two heard the door bang open from offscreen, and they turned, staring at horror.

"Oh crap. Justice is here." Cassian muttered, eyes wide. "We're going to die."

* * *

**One hour later...**

* * *

"I thought we were going to die...But she bloody beat us up with two crowbars!" Cassandra groaned painfully as he looked in a small mirror. "Dang it, the black eye is going to last for at least a week! This is going to damage my reputation as Lord Gladstone! And I'm going to end up limping AGAIN!"

"At least you don't have an almost sprained wrist and a possibly broken nose, you idiot, as well as getting smacked in the face with those crowbars ten times!" Cassian snapped back as he held his head in both his hands, his back to Cassandra. "Dang it, I'm never sneaking into her room again until I can figure out a way to pin the blame on Owl."

"Who said my name?" Owl asked, suddenly appearing from behind the couch. Both the Hierophant and the Trump Card screamed in shock, backing away from the white-haired violinist. "What?"

"You need to bloody stop doing that!" Cassandra snapped, pointing at Owl. "And aren't you supposed to be sick and in bed, moaning and groaning in pain while throwing up!?"

"I'm fine now..." Owl trailed off lamely, letting out a sigh.

* * *

_Conclusio__n_

Cassandra nodded as he held an ice pack wrapped in cloth to his black eye. "Yes. That's pretty much it for this episode." He answered quietly.

Before anyone else could speak up, though, that was when the door banged open again, and Moon walked onscreen towards them. "Did anyone here take my mask?" She asked, putting her hands on her hips.

The other three glanced at each other, before Cassian noticed a bronze-coloured mask right behind where Owl was sitting. "Owl did it! The mask is right behind where he's sitting!" Cassian responded quickly, pointing at the Fool.

"Hey! Tattletale!" Owl snapped back as Moon snatched the mask from behind the couch. "Dang it..."

Moon let out a sigh as she put the mask back on her face. "Hey, do you know where Justice is? I have to return this to her room, but it's locked at the moment." She asked, taking out a blindfold.

Cassandra and Cassian exchanged horrified glances, just as the bang of a door opening caught everyone's attention. They turned, and they all screamed in horror.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Cassandra wailed, before grabbing onto the Trump Card's shoulders. "Do something!"

"Like WHAT!?" Cassian yelled back as a freaked-out expression formed immediately on his face.

"I don't know-We can't have the viewers watch us get beaten up! Just-just-turn off the camera and run!"

"Okay, I'll do it, but let go of me first!"

Cassian let out a shaky breath, before taking out the remote and pointing at the screen, which turned black.


	3. Episode 3

**Episode 3**

"Welcome back, everybody!" The White Owl cheered. "Sorry for being absent for most of the previous episode, but hopefully Cassandra and Cassian were okay enough. Speaking of them, Cassian is currently still recovering from his injuries after he got hit a few times by Justice's crowbars and Cassandra still has a limp, so they probably won't be around this time."

"Does that explain why _I _am here of all people?" Jizabel asked, sitting beside him on the couch with his arms crossed. "You know, you could have put Justice on the show for this episode. Or Moon, considering that she got away from Justice's wrath-barely."

Owl grinned. "Of course that's why you're here! Moon isn't here because she's too busy discussing stuff with the Cardmaster, I don't want Justice here for this episode because I'm scared she's going to whip out her crowbar and kill me, and Cassian is still too injured, and Cassandra refuses to be on the show unless the Cardmaster orders him to, so-"

"I'm here." The two turned to see Cassandra Gladstone, limping over to the couch and sitting down. "The Cardmaster ordered me to be on the show for this episode or else he'll get Justice to injure me with the crowbars, end of story." He muttered quietly.

Owl's grin then widened at the statement. "That's excellent!" The White Owl shouted, throwing a fist into the air. "Alright, let's get on with the show!"

Both Cassandra and Jizabel exchanged similar, weirded-out glances, as if thinking the following statement in italics.

_Why do I have the feeling things are going to get crazy?_

* * *

_Word of the Day_

"The word of the day is...Necrophobia. It means a fear of death or corpses. Apparently Oscar Gabriel, that disowned person that hangs out with Cain, has that. So...I dug up a corpse from a graveyard and hung it in front of his bedroom window." Owl started, grinning widely.

"You did what?" Cassandra asked, bewildered. "How did you-How did you lug that dead thing all the way to-"

"I bribed the Coffinmaker to help me. It wasn't too bad, considering he's so used to carrying coffins full of dead people anyway. And it was worth it to hear Oscar screaming in terror, anyway." Owl responded, still smiling.

"Owl, I'm not sure if you know this, but I thought I heard somewhere that digging up dead bodies meant bad luck." Jizabel commented.

"Huh? Really? Maybe that's why Moon tried to maul me for sneaking into her room so I could steal something for the _Weird thing of the Day_ section of this epsiode..." Owl trailed off, letting out a sigh. "She even tried to use one of Justice's crowbars..."

"No, I don't think that was bad luck. I think you were just being stupid to try to enter her room, honestly." Cassandra responded, smirking slightly. Owl just glared at him, before elbowing him sharply in the arm. "Ow!"

Owl stuck his tongue out at the older man. "You deserved it."

Jizabel just let out a sigh. "Why have all the words of the day lately been made up of phobias?"

* * *

_Weird Thing of the Day_

"For weird thing of the day...Well, I can certainly say it shocked me." Cassandra started. "I thought I'd say hello to our dear doctor, and after knocking and entering his room I saw him in a _dress. _I must say, it truly flattered his lovely slim figure." He ended, chuckling a bit as Jizabel blushed slightly, a light rose pink of embarrassment.

"You were in a dress!? You were crossdressing!? Why didn't you tell me? I would have loved to see it!" Owl crowed, bursting into laughter along with Cassandra.

"It was for a bloody recon mission I had to do, alright!?" Jizabel snapped, blushing an even deeper red. "I hated wearing that dress! And that mink coat-Ugh, it was disgusting! I hated the feel of it on my skin and I swear I'm not going to do recon looking like a lady ever again!"

"Come on, doctor," The Hierophant crooned gently as he pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. "It's not that bad. You did look very beautiful, after all. It's unfortunate that I didn't have a camera on hand to take a photo with, I swear I would have kept it on a shelf..."

The young doctor just face-palmed himself as the White Owl kept laughing.

* * *

_A time to rant..._

"So...What are we ranting about this time?" Owl asked.

"The stupidity of the Cardmaster ordering us to do the Harlem Shake/Why the Cardmaster has ordered us to do the Harlem Shake on this episode." Cassandra and Jizabel spoke at the same time.

"Oh...That. Actually, I don't really mind it-" Owl started, but the two older men punched him in the face. "Ow."

"How can you NOT mind it!?" Cassandra snapped. "Who would want to dress up in a random mascot suit, go running around the room, and then make everyone start doing random and crappy dancing-or should I say 'dancing' that should not be considered as actual dancing but rather just doing random arm gestures, right after the music screams 'DO THE HARLEM SHAKE!' I don't get it!"

"I would do it."

"Shut up."

"The Cardmaster ordered us to do the Harlem Shake on this episode because he's a fan of it. That's why." Jizabel responded, crossing his arms. "Don't worry, Cassandra. You're not the only one who hates doing this."

Before anyone else could speak up, music started playing through the speakers, and White Owl suddenly changed into a chicken mascot costume, running around the room. Both Cassandra and Jizabel let out a groan before the music blared out the following words.

_**DO THE HARLEM SHAKE!**_

When both Cassandra and Jizabel refused to move a limb, the Owl let out a hiss and then grabbed them by the arms, waving them wildly in his grasp.

* * *

_Conclusion_

"Geez...You guys really need to be more open minded." Owl complained. "Seriously, at least give a little effort at trying the Harlem Shake!"

"NO." Both Jizabel and Cassandra responded in unison, before turning towards the screen.

"Well, I guess this marks the end of this episode..." Jizabel trailed off lamely. "So, I suppose the next episode will be up soon, hopefully, and I hope you viewers enjoyed this episode. Goodbye."

The screen went black afterwards.

* * *

**Author note: I don't own the Harlem Shake by Bauuer. Nor do I own the Harlem Shake meme by whoever invented it.**


	4. Episode 4

**Episode 4**

"Yo!" White Owl greeted the viewers on the screen. "Welcome back to the Delilah Files, and this time please welcome Justice and Moon!" He ended, pointing at Justice and Moon, who were sitting to his left, before pressing a button on a remote control. Sounds of cheering came out from the speakers behind them, before confetti rained down on the three for a few moments.

Justice shook off some of the confetti before speaking up. "So...What do we have to do this episode?" She asked.

"Well..." White Owl took out a piece of paper and looked at it. "We've got a new section, the _Revenge_ section. And, we also have _Weird Thing of the Day _and _Word of the Day, _as well as _Lists..." _He trailed off.

"We have a Revenge section?" Moon asked, looking at Owl skeptically. Owl just grinned and nodded. She let out a sigh. "Oh, great..."

* * *

_REVENGE!_

"So...Welcome to the Revenge section!" Owl cheered. "Basically, we get to take revenge on someone who pissed us off in the previous week, we take a video of it, and show it to you guys!"

"We don't have any videos, though..." Justice trailed off.

"Yeah, I know. It sucks, otherwise everyone would have been able to see how I beat the crap out of Cassian and Cassandra after they tried to sneak into my room." Moon finished, crossing her arms. "You know how Cassandra has those security system things in his room? I have those as well, except more lethal than just lasers. I also have a buzz-saw and some guns...With real ammunition."

Owl cringed a bit. "No wonder I saw Cassandra limping worse than usual..." He trailed off quietly. "And Jizabel...Man, he must seriously be understaffed right now!"

"I know. It means more work for the Death Card, but it's fine as long as Cassian doesn't get into my room." Moon muttered quietly. "Really, what do I have in my room that would be worth anything to anyone?"

"Well...You do have a video game system with a lot of those 'shoot-em-up' and fantasy RPG games." Justice started.

"A nice set of speakers, so you can listen to all the music you want." Owl continued.

"Your mask."

"A crossbow that is seriously awesome to use if any Trump Cards piss us off, as Cassandra demonstrated yesterday right after he was insulted by Cassian."

"A titanium-edged boomerang that I swear Cassian is dying to get his hands on-"

"Okay, I get it!" Moon responded, glaring at the two. "Hey, I can't help it if I get the nicest stuff out of everyone. I am right-hand woman to the Cardmaster, after all."

"It's not fair that you get the nicest stuff." Owl complained, gesturing wildly with his arms. "I swear the Cardmaster is playing favourites. I mean, you're in the Major Arcana, too! All of us should get nice stuff because we're in the Major Arcana, not just you!"

Moon just let out a sigh, before shaking her head. "So unnecessary..." She trailed off under her breath.

* * *

_Word of the Day_

"The word of the day is axiomatic." Justice muttered. "It means pertaining to or of the nature of an axiom."

"But...What's an axiom?" Owl asked.

Justice picked up a nearby dictionary, flipped through it, and showed it to Owl. "An axiom is a self-evident truth that requires no proof." She replied. "For example, a self-evident truth would be the fact that Cassian is basically the British version of a ninja."

"He's a ninja?"

"A British version of one. It's really obvious, don't you think so?"

"But..But..." Owl paused, before speaking up. "But ninjas don't throw knives, they throw shurikens-"

"Close enough."

"Oh. Okay." Owl paused again, before speaking up. "But Cassian doesn't use a blow-dart gun, he-"

"Just shut up before I have to make it more obvious with my fists."

"...Okay..."

* * *

_Weird Thing of the Day_

"So, for weird thing of the day, I got a new pet." White Owl started. "The Cardmaster gave it to me last week, and-"

"Cassian is scared of that thing." Justice ended.

"Hey, I'm sure she didn't mean to strangle him!" White Owl protested. "I mean, it didn't hurt Cassandra! It didn't strangle him! I do wonder, though, why it disliked Cassian...Maybe it was his cologne..."

"I think your pet snake likes Cassandra better than you, actually..." Moon trailed off quietly. "I mean, sure, Cassandra wasn't too comfortable with it around at first, but he got used to it being around him quickly, quite literally around him, considering it kept wrapping about his arms and sometimes around his neck." '

"I brought her in here." White Owl spoke up, pointing to a nearby cage. In the cage contained a very long, dark green snake, with red eyes and brown markings on its belly. The snake was currently eating the remains of a mouse. "See? Isn't Eve adorable?"

"You gave her a name?" Justice asked, gaping at him slightly.

White Owl grinned as he nodded. "Yup! You're supposed to name your pets, after all!"

Moon just shook her head again, letting out a sigh. "Oh, Owl..." She trailed off under her breath.

* * *

_Lists..._

"So...What sort of subject are we listing things about this time?" Owl asked.

"You didn't think up a subject?" Moon asked in disbelief. Owl shook his head.

"...I got so caught up about Eve just now that I forgot what I was planning to use as the subject..."

"Well, then...Let me suggest a topic-About why we will never have Mikalia on this show in history. Ever." Justice responded. Moon and Owl exchanged glances, before nodding in agreement. "Alright. First reason...She stole my crowbars successfully. And then she used them in an attempt to kill that manservant that serves Cain Hargreaves. Look, I can't have that guy getting killed-"

"Why not? Do you like him or something?" Owl asked, grinning. Justice punched him in the face. "Ow." He muttered, grabbing a nearby tissue box in response to getting a bloody nose.

"No I don't! He's the Tower of the Major Arcana, you idiot! I can't let him get killed! The Cardmaster said that he was my responsibility to deal with, and we're not supposed to let him die yet."

"HE IS!?" Moon shouted, gaping. "What?! Why didn't anyone tell me about it!?"

"You weren't there when he was initiated into the Major Arcana. End of story."

"How dare you-" Before Moon could continue, Justice had already taken out a crowbar, pointing it at Moon. The Cardmaster's right-hand woman let out a sigh, before going silent. Everyone knew better than to mess with Justice if she was armed with crowbars. And not just that, it was obvious now that there was no way that they were going to be able to build a list of reasons of why they would never allow Mikalia on the show. Not now, anyway.

* * *

_Conclusion_

"That's it?" Justice asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, that's it. I'm thinking of doing some truth-or-dare thing with everyone next episode, though, so that should be fun." Owl responded, putting the twentieth blood-covered tissue aside. "You, we could all dare each other to do stuff, and I think it would be fun-"

"NO." Both women responded at the same time.

"That's not fair! You get to do whatever the heck you want with Delilah! Can't I at least have some fun and socialize with everyone else!?"

"You do that everyday by freaking us out, playing those pranks of yours." Moon muttered quietly. "Remember when you put a banana peel under my feet?"

"And when you blew up several things in Zenopia's lab?" Justice added.

"Don't forget the time when you tried to make a bazooka and use it on me when I was stating the truth that you need to cut back on sweets-"

"Hey, I get it! But seriously, I do not eat that many sweets! Mikalia is the sugar-addict, not me!" Owl protested. "Yeah, I know I do a ton of pranks already, but is it too much to ask for some sweet socializing time with my buddies in the Major Arcana?"

Justice face-palmed herself as Moon let out a sigh. "...Fine, you spoiled Fool..." Moon muttered quietly.

"Yay!" Owl cheered, before facing the camera. "So, that's pretty much the end of this episode! See you guys later!"

The screen went black after that.


	5. Episode 5

**Episode 5**

"Hey guys!" White Owl greeted onscreen. "Welcome back to the Delilah Files! This time, we've got EVERYONE here-" He gestured to Cassian and the other members of the Major Arcana usually on the show, "And since it's episode five, I figured we might as well do something special later on this episode!"

"Like what?" Cassian asked, turning to Owl.

The white-haired violinist grinned. "A little 'Truth or Dare,' that is! I mentioned it as a possible thing-to-do last episode, remember?"

"I didn't watch the previous episode...I was busy with stuff..." At this statement, the White Owl glared at him.

"YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE PREVIOUS EPISODE!? HOW DARE YOU!" The Owl shouted, taking out a cleaver. Cassian swallowed nervously, backing up as much as he could. Cassandra couldn't help but smirk a bit, probably thinking that the Trump Card was going to get killed soon-therefore assisting him in getting closer to Jizabel. "YOU SHOULD DIE!"

"Calm down, Owl...It was only one episode..." Jizabel trailed off quietly, crossing his arms. "If it was five episodes in a row that he missed, maybe you could go ahead and start stabbing him. But for now, considering that he is the only one besides you and Cassandra that can operate the camera, it's probably not a good idea to kill him yet."

"Oh. Right..." The white-haired violinist muttered under his breath, putting away the dagger. Cassandra was heard letting out a groan of disappointment at that. "You're safe." Owl growled at Cassian._ "FOR NOW..."_

* * *

_A time to rant_

"So...What are we ranting about now?" Moon asked.

"Good question, actually-" The White Owl started, but then Justice interrupted.

"You're telling us that you couldn't think up a subject to rant about?" She asked. "Considering that you have a gazillion hours more free time than any of the rest of us, you should have been able to think up something..."

"Hey, the worst case scenario would be that we rant about not having anything to rant about. It's not that bad."

"Well, I say we rant about how Cassian is stupid to think that he can still try to steal my things, even with all the security lasers and such that I installed weeks ago." Cassandra spoke up, crossing his arms. "I mean seriously, do you have any idea of how stupid the Trump Card is!? He thinks he can get past lasers. They're faster than him, being the supposed British version of a ninja that Owl claimed he was last episode. Not to mention that he didn't lay a hand on a single thing as a result."

Cassian was heard muttering something under his breath that sounded like, "Cassandra must die..."

"Cassian, is this true?" Jizabel asked, turning to his assistant. The raven-haired Trump Card let out a sigh and nodded. "I understand how much you despise Gladstone, but if his room is impossible to break into, don't bother breaking into the room. I'm sure there are other ways to humiliate him besides that."

Cassandra just face-palmed himself. "As if that will relieve me of the stress the bloody Trump Card caused..." He muttered quietly.

* * *

_Word of the day_

"So...The word of the day is..." Moon looked up from the dictionary towards Owl. "Do I really have to read it out loud? It's so ridiculous...It's a lot weirder than axiom, for sure..."

"Let me see." Cassandra spoke up, snatching the dictionary from Moon and reading it, before bursting into laughter. "Y-you have g-got to be kidding me! That word!?" He managed to say between laughs.

"Hey, oxter isn't as weird as you think, Moon. Oxter is an outdated word that means 'armpit.' But honestly, I thought that it mean a cross between an otter and an ox when I first saw the word." Owl replied, grinning a bit.

Everyone else was just staring at Owl, unsure of what he just said was true or not.

* * *

_Revenge!_

"Justice, didn't Cassian and Cassandra get revenge on you last week?" Moon asked.

The Justice Card nodded, letting out a sigh and shaking her head. "I can't believe they actually were able to sneak up on me, tie me up, and throw me into an inflatable swimming pool full of gelatin." She muttered quietly.

Jizabel stared at Cassian and Cassandra. "I'm sorry, but you two did what?" He asked, bewildered by what they were able to accomplish. "And you did this without killing each other? That's new..."

"Yes. Apparently revenge on Justice is the one thing we have in common, besides trying to kill each other." Cassandra answered, smirking a bit. "I have to say that I quite enjoyed it."

"And because of this, we made a pledge to take a break from trying to kill each other every Tuesday." Cassian responded, crossing his arms. "It's only fair, considering that we need our time off from trying to destroy each other and that we need to bring Justice down a few notches sometimes, alright?"

Some of the other Major Arcana sighed with relief, thankful that they would have at least one day of peace before war between Cassian and Cassandra continued.

* * *

_Weird thing of the day_

"For the weird thing of the day..." Jizabel paused, before finishing. "It's...Well...It's the Cardmaster's cooking, and it's not just because that the food looks weird..."

He proceeded to show pictures of the Cardmaster's attempts at cooking. Everyone stared at the odd-looking food pictures before speaking up about it.

"I know the Cardmaster's apple pie looks weird, but it tastes pretty good, actually." The White Owl remarked.

"Then you threw up fifteen minutes later." Cassandra responded, smirking. The White Owl glared at him, before punching him in the arm. "Ow! That bloody hurt, you-"

"You're the one who had a risk of constipating after trying that strawberry smoothie!"

"Well you're the one who threw up TWENTY TIMES after eating a whole quiche made by none other than the Cardmaster!"

"WHY YOU-"

"Hold it!" Moon shouted, and both Cassandra and Owl turned to stare at her. "If you're going to argue about who is the most sick out of the both of you from eating the Cardmaster's food, take it outside, will you!?" She snapped. "We don't need to be disgusted by your stories!"

"Now that you just inserted yourself into the argument, I remember that you turned into a neko after eating the Cardmaster's homemade pancakes. You looked_ really cute_ with kitty ears and a tail." Owl interjected. Moon punched him in the face. "Ow..."

"Thank goodness that stupid thing wore off after a few minutes...That was the most embarrassing moment of my life, I swear..." Moon muttered under her breath.

"That was actually quite interesting. I saw Zenopia making notes on that, too." Justice responded, chuckling a bit. "I wonder if he'll ever ask the Cardmaster to bake something for a future experiment to see if it could be used as a possible lethal weapon against anyone..."

"Yes," Jizabel agreed, he and Cassian also doing their best not to laugh, "That would be quite an interesting thing to do...I'll see if I can get Zenopia to do that as a little experiment...Perhaps on a few of the Minor Arcana or Trump Cards that we dislike...or Mikalia..."

* * *

_Truth or Dare!_

"Welcome to...The TRUTH OR DARE SECTION!" Owl shouted, throwing his hands up in joy. "We're going to do this every five episodes, so the next one will be at episode ten. Anyway, I think that you guys probably figured out what this section is about, but if you don't, basically we, the Major Arcana and Cassian, dare each other to tell embarassing truths or do really weird things like locking people in closets full of packing peanuts!"

"Goodness..." Justice trailed off under her breath.

"So...Jizabel, truth or dare?" Owl asked, turning to the organ-collecting doctor. Jizabel paused, letting out a sigh before answering.

"...Truth, I guess."

"Hmm...Jizabel, were you the one who broke into Moon's room last week and trashed it?"

"No." The doctor answered, crossing his arms. "It was you, if I remember correctly."

"So it WAS you!" Moon shouted, glaring at the White Owl. "You owe me ten bucks and you need a beating, too!"

"NOT NOW!" Owl shouted, holding up his hands. "After the show, okay!?"

"Fine..."

Jizabel paused, before turning to Cassandra. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare." Cassandra responded, smiling a bit. "I'm willing to take a risk."

Jizabel just smirked, before speaking. "I dare you to kiss the White Owl. And if you don't, you have to kiss his pet snake Eve."

"...What?!" Cassandra exclaimed, gaping at Jizabel. "You're not serious..."

"I am," The doctor replied, smiling. "Have fun, Cassandra."

"Dang it." Cassandra muttered, right before Owl grabbed him by the tie and pulled him in for a deep kiss. "Mmf! Mwfh!" Cassandra pulled away after a few moments, blushing out of embarrassment as everyone else laughed. "I wasn't ready yet, you idiot!" He snapped at Owl, who was grinning. "Truth or dare!?"

"Mm...Dare." Owl responded, still smiling.

Cassandra let out a sigh, before speaking. "I dare you to go serenade the Cardmaster right now with whatever song you want. And you have to sing. No violin playing!"

"Okay." Owl left the room quickly, and Cassandra smirked.

"That Owl is so going to get it now..." He trailed off, chuckling a bit.

"Why?" Cassian asked.

"I believe right now would be the time of day in which the Cardmaster has his time to plot evil things to do. And if anyone disturbs during that time...He'll kill them." Cassandra responded, crossing his arms. "I'm sure we have a camera planted in the Cardmaster's office, so maybe we could look at that?"

"Sounds good." Justice responded, before grabbing the remote from Cassian and pressing a button.

* * *

_"MWAHAHAHAHA! I am the leader of Delilah, and the end of the world shall rise!" Alexis cackled. Before he could continue with his rant, however, Owl burst into the room, singing-well, more of shouted, to the Cardmaster._

_"ROMEO, WHERE ART THOU ROMEO! SHAAA!" Owl shouted, ending it with an emphasis of jazz hands. **(AN1)** The Cardmaster twitched a few times, before turning towards the Owl and letting out a roar of rage, taking out a pitchfork. "Oh crap...AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Owl immediately fled, followed by the Cardmaster._

* * *

"That was bloody hilarious!" Moon choked out between laughs. Everyone else was laughing as well. "Quick, switch to the courtyard camera!"

"Moon, I hate to burst your bubble, but we don't have a camera installed for the courtyard yet." Jizabel pointed out.

"Aw, dang it. It was getting fun, though..."

* * *

_Conclusion_

"That was bloody scary..." Owl trailed off, panting and trying to catch his breath. "I was lucky to lose the Cardmaster's trail once he tripped into a rosebush..."

"Anyway, so I guess that's it for this episode?" Cassian asked.

"Yup. That's it." Owl responded, looking up at the camera. "See ya!"

* * *

**AN1: I do not own that quote, as it references to episode 12 of Demyx Time, which I also don't own.**


	6. Episode 6

Episode 6

"It's stupid!"

"It's fun!"

"It's stupid!"

"It's fun!"

_"STUPID!"_

_"FUN!"_

_**"STUPID!"**_

_**"FUN!"**_

Jizabel let out a sigh. "Will the both of you please cease your fighting?" He snapped at Cassandra and Owl. "The camera is on."

Both the Hierophant and the Fool of Delilah's Major Arcana turned towards the camera.

"Oh." Owl muttered after a moment of awkward silence. "We didn't notice..." He then broke into a smile, before running up-close to the screen. "Hey guys! Welcome back to the Delilah Files, after a REALLY LONG TIME!" He started dramatically, using his arms to emphasize the last three words. "We are really sorry that we haven't updated in a while-things have been busy with me pulling pranks on lots of people, Cassandra here is trying to get new security devices because Cassian somehow caused all of them to break, Jizabel going and adding new things to his organ collection, and all of us arguing over important matters."

"Since when was trying to figure out if the dance used in the song 'Gangnam Style' by PSY was stupid or fun considered as important?" Jizabel cut in, glaring a little at Owl. "And the reason I've been adding to my collection a lot lately is because you RUINED half of my collection last week with that little prank of yours, you idiot!"

"But still, dear Jizabel, does that mean you have to walk into the Delilah building every night with ten new jars of organs?" Cassandra cut in, giving somewhat disgusted look. "Honestly, even Cassian has enough of it! I think you've gotten your collection back to its normal amount of organs, so-"

"I'm still missing 30 pairs of eyes, five pairs of lips, two tongues, one liver, and half a small intestine. I am nowhere close to getting my collection replenished!" Jizabel snapped back, glaring at Cassandra now. "Now, can we get this episode over with so I can get back to work on my collection!?"

* * *

_Word of the day!_

"Okay, so..." Owl looked at the slip of paper in his hand. "The word of the day is defenestration. It means to literally throw someone out a window. For example, Moon defenestrated me last week." He ended, giving a look on his face that meant he was not amused. "Seriously, Moon, do you have any idea how long I was limping last week?! I couldn't climb onto the rooftops very well because of what you did!"

"You were limping for two days. I, however, was limping for exactly _one and a half months straight_ because Justice beat the crap out of me for apparently _'stealing'_ her things! I was just _borrowing_ another torture device!" Cassandra snapped at Owl, crossing his arms. "Two days is _NOTHING_ compared to _ONE AND A HALF MONTHS!"_

"You have no idea how painful it is to be defenestrated!" Owl responded, putting his hands on his hips and glaring at Cassandra. The glaring contest continued for a few moments before Owl suddenly broke into a grin. "Wait! Maybe I can show you what it's like!"

"Don't you dare throw me out a window! I'm warning you!" Cassandra shouted as Owl grabbed a baseball bat and forced him to walk backwards and also go offscreen in the process. Jizabel did nothing but watch the offscreen scene, the whole scenario having piqued his curiosity. "Why you-"

There was a bit of scuffling, before the Owl's scream could be heard. The next thing everyone heard was a large crash.

"Oh crap." Cassandra was heard muttering after a moment of silence. "I just defenestrated Owl..."

"Who's going to run the show, then?" Jizabel asked. "It might be a while before the Owl gets back here..."

"I don't know!" Cassandra responded, coming back onscreen and facing the young doctor. "You do it! You said you wanted to get this episode over with!"

The doctor let out a sigh. "Fine..."

* * *

_Q and A_

"If you have no idea what this section is about, let me explain." Jizabel started. "You see, a lot of the Trump Cards have been following this show from the very beginning, and they've been begging for a Q and A section in the show since the show started. After much deliberation, we have decided to do this section for all of you viewers. However," Jizabel got so close to the camera so that his eyes were the only things showing, "This does _not _mean you are allowed to send us questions through reviews and such. If we allowed that, the fanfiction admins would most likely remove this show due to breaking one of the rules, so we'll just be grabbing questions from the Trump Cards and Minor Arcana here at Delilah. I know it probably sucks for most of you, but we're sticking to the fanfiction rules, so blame them for this."

Cassandra let out a sigh. "Seriously, that does suck." He muttered quietly, before grabbing a piece of paper and starting to read. "We only have two questions, and they are from an anonymous Trump Card. It says, **Who has been on this show the most besides Owl? Also, who do you think is the most annoying person on the show and why?"**

"Cassandra, I think you've been on this show pretty much the whole time. And you're the one who claimed that you would be on it the least!" Jizabel exclaimed, his facial expression showing a little bit of surprise.

"I am?" Cassandra paused, thinking a little before speaking up again. "Oh yeah, I am...I have been in almost every episode except for episode four, so I guess that makes sense that I'm on this show the most..."

"About the second question, the most annoying person on this show is definitely the White Owl for obvious reasons." Jizabel cut in, looking a bit annoyed as he mentioned the Owl. "He constantly brags about how awesome he is at the violin, which we ALL understand by now, he pulls pranks on us constantly and the fact that he's the host also irks us, but we can't do much about that since he has the most free time."

"I have to agree with that." The Hierophant responded, shaking his head a little. "He even stole something the night after Cassian destroyed the security system I had perfectly installed a while ago..."

"Cassandra?"

"Hm? What is it, Jizabel?"

The young doctor held up another piece of paper. "We have one more question from an anonymous Trump Card. It's adressed to you, and it says **Cassandra Gladstone, why don't you have any roses in your gardens? I thought you would be the type to like those types of flowers..."**

"Well," Cassandra started, "Those orchids are of newer variety, and I did find their appearance, as well as their scent, to be quite pleasant. That's why I put them in my gardens. Second, well...It's unknown to a lot of people, but I'm actually allergic to roses."

"Seriously? You're not kidding, are you?" Jizabel asked in disbelief.

"No, I'm not kidding. I actually am allergic. I get into a sneezing and coughing fit if I'm exposed to them." Cassandra let out a sigh. "It's just if you shoved a bunch of real roses in my face I would definitely go into a sneezing fit, so I'm not too fond of that. Rose-scented soap, incense, or candles are fine, though. Same with chocolate roses...I'm definitely fond of those things. For all you fans of me out there, don't send me real roses if you want to send me gifts. Thank you..."

* * *

_Weird Thing of the Day_

"I'm BAAAAACCCCKKKKK!"

"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Both men let out a scream of terror as Owl limped into the room.

"How did you get up here so quickly! We're on the fifth floor, for crying out loud!" Cassandra exclaimed, using Jizabel as a shield. "Don't go any further towards us unless you want me to put you in a Scavenger's Daughter or for Jizabel to gouge out your eyes!"

"Geez, I was just getting the weird thing of the day that I stole from your room earlier..." Owl muttered, before flopping onto the nearest armchair and taking out a few CDs. "I didn't know that you liked listening to synthpop and dubstep stuff!"

"Give those back!" Cassandra snapped, trying to grab the CDs, but Owl pulled them out of the way. "I only listen to them when I need a break from listening to the opera music, you know! Even an artistically-interested individual like me would want to try a little change from a usual routine!"

"Hm..." Owl paused for a moment. "Nope." He smiled at Cassandra, who now looked ready to kill Owl on the spot.

"CURSE YOU!"

* * *

_REVENGE!_

"I'll take my revenge on you later and get those CDs back." Cassandra snapped at Owl, before letting out a sigh. "Of course, I had to teach that Trump Card a lesson first, for breaking that expensive security system..."

"What did you do?" Owl asked.

"I-" Cassandra started, but then Jizabel cut in.

"You re-installed a stronger security system, and then pushed Cassian into the doorway of your room while it was functioning. I don't know what happened next, but you gave him a twisted arm, two cracked ribs and a sprained ankle because of that thing." Jizabel snapped. "Do you have any idea how far behind in my work I will be?"

"I thought you were able to work fine without the stupid Trump Card's help." Cassandra muttered in response. "And...since when did you get all so concerned about him, anyway?"

Jizabel said nothing in response.

* * *

_A time to rant_

"I know exactly what we should rant about." Jizabel spoke up, after a moment of silence.

"Let me guess...the lack of air conditioning in the Delilah headquarters?" Owl asked. The young doctor nodded in response. Owl then went up close to the camera so that her eyes were the only things showing. "You guys have NO IDEA how hot it is in here during the summer! It got so bad last week that the vast majority of us were working shirtless!"

"Well, most of us anyway." Cassandra added. "Jizabel and Zenopia never had to do that-I mean, the laboratories are air conditioned..."

"But seriously, even the Coffinmaker shed that huge cloak that he usually wears!" Owl continued, ignoring Cassandra. "Some of the female Trump Cards seemed to be eyeing the guy a little bit-I think he's got a mini-fanclub, now..."

"I bet the effort to catch his attention will be in vain." Jizabel responded, crossing his arms. "You know he doesn't like getting too close to anyone."

"Yeah, but seriously, I think it would be nice if he actually gets a life, you know! He'll need it!"

* * *

_Conclusion_

"So, that's kind of it for this episode." Owl started, before turning to the other two. "Any last words?"

"...I'm going to go work on my collection." With that being said, Jizabel stood up and left the room swiftly, closing the door behind him.

"Owl, I'll get those CDs back, one way or another. You'll see." Cassandra seethed, giving Owl the death glare.

"I'll just send you lots of roses, then. Or maybe I'll put some in front of my room!" Owl grinned as if he was sugar high at this statement. "Yeah, that way you'll never get in!"

"I don't care-I'll get them back, anyway! Or maybe..." Cassandra took out a sword. "I will run you through. Now, unless you give those CDs back..."

Owl just turned back towards the screen, nervousness overtaking his face. "Uh...I think I should probably stop here for now. See you guys later!" He shouted, before the screen went black. In the background, there were a few mortified screams, before the crash of a window resounded. The last thing one could hear was Cassandra letting out a groan.

"...Crap...Defenestrating Owl wasn't in the plan..."


	7. Episode 7

**Episode 7**

"Welcome back to the show!" Owl spoke up, grinning at the camera. "Today, I've got Cassian, Jizabel and Cassandra, so let's give them a hand!"

"Shut up." Cassian muttered, glaring at Owl. "Can't we get a break already!?"

"Hey, Justice and Moon aren't around twenty-four seven, and Zenopia can't be on the show because he's got tons of work all the time..." Owl muttered in response.

"The same goes with me!" Cassandra snapped back. "You KNOW I have a Halloween ball to start planning! But NO, you decide to drag me all the way here for this episode, Owl!"

"Does that mean when Halloween rolls around the corner you can't celebrate with us on the show?"

"Yes, unless a bunch of the guests get sick enough, or if I get sick the day before."

The Owl's facial expression turned into a pout. "Phooey."

* * *

_Q and A_

"We got a couple questions this time." Owl remarked, grinning ear to ear as he took out a bunch of papers. "Okay, they're all from anonymous Trump Cards, as well as the Coffinmaker and Mikalia. Should I go through the Trump Cards first?"

"Why not?" Cassandra asked as he pushed a lock of hair behind his ear. "The sooner we go through those letters, the sooner we don't have to deal with those rats. Ask away..."

"Alright...**Cassandra, Cassian and Jizabel...Seme, Uke or both?"**

All three mentioned people stared at each other, completely unsure of what the question was about. "Wait, what in the world does those words even mean?" Cassian asked as a confused expression took over his face.

"What's a seme?" Cassandra asked. "Does anyone know?"

"Here, take this." The Whilte Owl beamed as he handed over a large book to them titled 'The Yaoi/Yuri Dictionary.'

It was Jizabel's turn to be confused as he opened the book. "What in the world is Yaoi and Yuri...?" He murmured quietly as he flipped the pages.

* * *

**10 minutes later...**

* * *

_"I'M THE SEME!"_

_"NO, I AM!"_

_"I have the physique for it!"_

_"At least I would know how to treat the other one nicely!"_

_"Shut up, boy!"_

_"How dare you, old man!"_

_"Hey, you're same age as me-you're categorizing yourself as old, too!"_

Jizabel and Owl awkwardly stared at Cassian and Cassandra, who were wrestling each other on the ground before Jizabel turned towards the camera and tried his best to explain the situation.

"We looked up the definitions and went on the fanfiction website to see which one of us were more likely to take what position. I'm mostly an Uke, though I have been Seme a few times in a few fanfics." He started. "The thing is, Cassandra and Cassian don't want to settle for being both, so they're fighting it out to see which one will be the Seme..."

"I don't think anymore questions are going to be answered at this rate.." Owl muttered quietly. "We might as well get to the next section and save the rest of the questions for later."

"Agreed."

* * *

_Word of the day!_

"The word of the day is wizened." Owl spoke up, smiling at the screen. "It means 'shriveled or wrinkled with age.' That would be a perfect word to describe the Cardmaster's appearance, especially if he hasn't slept well!"

Jizabel stared at him. "Are you sure it was a good idea to say that, Owl?" He asked skeptically. "You do know that the Cardmaster watches every single episode to make sure that none of us kill each other onscreen..."

"Really?" The Owl's face scrunched up slightly as he continued. "I didn't know that."

"Shouldn't that word be used to describe Cassandra's appearance, rather than describe the Cardmaster?" Cassian asked.

Cassandra took the opportunity to bash the Trump Card on the head with a cushion. "Shut up, Trump Card!" He snapped as he gave Cassian the death glare. "I am NOT old!"

* * *

_Q and A (again)_

"Why are we doing this section again already? Did we suddenly get more questions?" Cassian asked, confused.

"No. You and Cassandra were both fighting so much over the seme case that we had no choice but to save the other questions for later." Jizabel told him as he opened up another letter. "Ah, I see this is from Mikalia...**White Owl, do you have any idea where some of my dresses have gone? I KNOW you stole them, so give them back or at least tell me where they are!" **

Cassian and Jizabel took the opportunity to stare at Cassandra, who just stared back at them nervously.

"What? You don't actually think I stole them, do you?" Cassandra asked quietly, paling a bit.

_"Well..."_ Cassian and Jizabel both trailed off quietly as Cassandra face-palmed himself.

"Seriously, if I _want_ anyone to dress in drag I would give them something better than the rags Mikalia wears..." The Hierophant muttered underneath his breath.

"COUGH-_CASSIAN_-COUGH-_STOLE THEM_-COUGH!" White Owl shouted.

_"You?!"_ Cassandra asked, staring at Cassian as if he were some sort of alien. "What were_ you_ doing with them?"

"The doctor made me go on a recon mission, and I_ needed_ a disguise! End of story!" The Trump Card snapped back, blushing of embarrassment.

"She will kill you." White Owl told Cassian, who just let out a sigh.

"I know."

** "White Owl, you owe me ten bucks. I won the bet. -Coffinmaker." **Jizabel paused, before looking up at the Owl and speaking again. "What sort of bet did you two make?"

"Oh, it was whether Moon would get into a fight with Justice ten times today or not. Apparently she did, if the Coffinmaker has found them arguing ten times in a row..." Owl trailed off. "Dang it, I need to get a good luck charm-I'm losing all these bets!"

**"Cassian and Cassandra, what is it like for you two to be on the same show together in the same episodes?"**

"It's torture. Complete torture." Cassandra answered bluntly. "If you want to be on the same show as this brat-" He pointed at Cassian before continuing, "You are in for a lot of craziness and stress."

"Same goes for him." Cassian responded, pointing at Cassandra. "So, people, never try to be on a talk show with this guy." Cassandra and Cassian both glared at each other before White Owl spoke up.

"I think it's only because you guys need to go to anger management classes or something... Or couples therapy." White Owl responded, shrugging a bit.

Jizabel stared at the White Owl for a moment. "Couples therapy?" He repeated in disbelief.

White Owl nodded. "Yeah. Maybe you should join them too-I don't think preserving organs and the like are healthy for a relationship, especially a three-way one."

"Three-way relationshi-" Cassian started, but White Owl continued.

"I think the proper term for that is a-"

Cassandra took the opportunity to hit the White Owl with a baseball bat, knocking him out.

"No." Cassandra muttered, mortified. "Since when did the White Owl start assuming that we're in some sort of relationship between the three of us!? We're not! I think..."

Cassian and Jizabel just exchanged awkward glances with each other and shrugged a bit.

* * *

_Conclusion_

"Er, so...I think that's going to be it for this episode." Cassian muttered awkwardly as he glanced at the White Owl. "There isn't really much to talk about this time, anyway."

Jizabel just waved awkwardly at the screen with a monotone expression on his face, before leaving the room.

Cassandra paused, before turning towards Cassian. "You know what to do, Trump Card." He told him. "Turn of the camera."

Cassian rolled his eyes, before the screen went blank.


End file.
